Connections
If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other. – Mother Teresa
One of the biggest myths about our world, in my mind, is that we do anything at all on our own.
How can this be when we are one people under the same sky? The actual truth may be that we succeed because we are influenced, taught, or have learned through the pain of others. We trust only when trust is proven, earned, or sought after. We express in order to connect, show emotion, or instruct something…someone. We are connected to each other in the good and also the awful.
There are many techniques counselors and life coaches use to help people communicate better, play well with each other, and survive the difficulties of interactions. They all have some basic components. This is a starting point only, and once mastered will hopefully encourage you to seek more guidance and understanding.
*Before one can learn interpersonal skills, one needs to know self and the biases held. We all have beauty and biases; it is only when we recognize both that we are able to connect in a more authentic way.
- Know what you specifically want in every interaction. Does this sound like a lot of work? It is. Not knowing what you want out of every interaction makes you a loud clanging bell.
Example: I am new in town and want to make friends who have the same interests as me. - Gather information.
Example: There is an art center where pottery is taught, a pub that plays live blues on Wednesday nights, and my neighbor has signs like mine in her yard. - Ask for what you want in a respectful way.
Example: I visit the art museum to check the vibe and get information on signing up for classes. I ask my partner if he wants to have dinner at the pub on Wednesday night. I drop a note at my neighbor’s house asking if she wants to go to lunch- my treat. - Be willing to negotiate, but only after acknowledging that the other human with whom you are dealing also has valid needs and wants.
Example: The vibe is wrong at the art class, and I ask about other opportunities. My partner is too tired to go this Wednesday, but says he is happy to go with me next week and we discuss availability. My neighbor calls back a week later and asks about a walk instead of lunch out and I agree to a walk. - Say no in a respectful manner.
Example: The class does not meet the vibe check, nor are there other opportunities at that center so I find one more suitable to my needs. My partner doesn’t want to go this Wednesday, but says next week. I had plans for next week, so I say no to that particular date. My neighbor wants to walk, but I am already tucked in for the night, so I say not tonight. - Act according to your personal belief system.
Example: I do not disparage the art center for having a different vibe than I want, I just move on to another idea. I make plans for the third week of the month with my partner to go to the pub for dinner after work which respects both our plans. I offer another day to my neighbor until we find a time that works.
*Once I am in the interaction, I follow the same steps.
A. What do I want out of the interaction/ time spent together/ conversation held?
B. Listen and ask questions.
C. Express things I want the person to know about me.
D. Engage in friendly negotiation about things that do not hurt others like sports team choices, best foods, or interesting places to visit.
E. Speak up against things that are against your belief system. Say no if you feel uncomfortable, call out behavior that is cruel to those around you, and refuse condescending behavior.
F. Getting along requires patience and kindness, but it doesn’t require you to sell your soul. Add to the tip if the tip left was insulting, catch an Uber or seek help if you are feeling pressured to do something you don’t want to do, and calmly speak against actions and words that harm.
*You are valuable and worthy of loving interactions. You are a learner and responsible for what you bring to the table.
She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me and all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you’ve got a woman who is a friend of your mind. – Toni Morrison