The teen age brain is a fabulously complex thing. Some really smart scientists, see the book Why They Act That Way by David Walsh for the whole shebang, concluded that the adolescent brain interprets emotional expressions differently than an adult’s brain. That means that when x thinks you are yelling in fury and you think you came across as slightly irritated… you are both right.
“Ok, so what do I do?” asks the exhausted and loving parent. Don’t worry, I’ve got you. Here are some tips:
Start by controlling your own emotions. You are the adult and they are less able to control their emotions or think logically when they’re upset. Use your coping methods to stay calm and loving.
Next, pregame; that’s right.
Set the stage for better relationships and communication by eating dinner together while you share your day with them, play games, go for walks, and enjoy time as a family where you are laughing and sharing instead of questioning and setting rules.
Finally, the nitty gritty:
- Listen without prying this is most effective at midnight when you are trying to go to bed, but they are finally in the mood to spill the tea.
- Validate without fixing. Kids need to spill, wallow for a hot minute, and then move on in their own way. You cannot and should not try to fix everything or take all the pain away. Commiseration may be just what the teen needs.
- Set reasonable rules, be ready to explain them, and give opportunities for them to show trust. This may look like the following:
- I need you to let me know your schedule for after school by Sunday nights so we can coordinate driving and meals for the week. Give them an opportunity to share schedule, thank them for doing so, and expect them to do so. If something comes up due to an illness etc. be reasonable and make accommodations; otherwise require that they keep their word. Allow natural consequences to be the teacher.
Examples of reasonable rules that every teen should follow: Curfew, chores, screen time limits, no bully behavior, complete homework, communication about whereabouts. Examples of boundaries most people need and must set for themselves: personal space, touch, privacy, personal information or the difference between private and secret, intellectual thoughts, and disagreement without being attacked.
5.Encourage other positive adult relationships. Sometimes teens will listen to or share with Aunt Diane or Uncle Pete. Having positive adult role models is excellent and needed.
The bottom-line parents need to know when working with teens is that they are raging balls of emotion who need you even when they say they don’t; they want boundaries and help figuring out life, and they are scared of a lot of things, especially about disappointing you.
“Love is staying up all night with a sick child or a healthy adult (teen).” David Frost