Sex continues to come up in conversations with my clients, so I thought I would make it this month’s topic. I mean, it is spring; but then I thought maybe it is too controversial. Maybe, I should dive into topics that people want to know more about, so I researched what topics are most googled in 2024.
Sex. Sex in some form was the most googled topic so far in 2024. So, here we are in Spring, talking appropriately about Sex. Since this is a blog and not a book, I’m narrowing it down to why communication is the most important part of the sex act. Hear me out, I know it will help.
Were you raised to understand and enjoy sex? Many people were not. There is a lot going on regarding belief systems, understanding the difference between gender identity and sexual orientation, consent, and just talking about what one likes and doesn’t like during sex. Communication is the key.
Sex provides an opportunity to feel close. It is often vulnerable and intimate; sometimes bold and wild, and yes, awkward too. Communicating means first getting specific consent. Communication doesn’t stop there; however, we need to keep talking to each other because communication helps people stay on the same page with what is desired, what feels good or doesn’t, and it keeps the playing field equal. Sex should always be consensual, safe, feel good, and be enjoyed without shame.
Lack of communication can lead to unbalanced power, feeling unworthy, or landing in an unsafe situation because information was kept behind a gate.
With communication we can decide if lubricant is needed, what foreplay is best, if snuggling before or after is needed, and equality is normalized. Communication is empowering, and yes, sexy.
Communication includes understanding some often-misunderstood definitions. For example,
Sexual Consent: In both Minnesota and Iowa, a person must be sixteen years of age to consent to sexual activity. Sexual Consent is a verbal agreement to engage in sexual activity. Sexual consent can be revoked at any time by saying no. Sexual consent for one act does not mean consent for other acts; for example, one may consent to kissing, but not to intercourse. Clear communication is needed for consent. Those not able to consent to sexual activity are people under 16 years of age, someone who is intoxicated, someone who is asleep or unconscious, or someone in an unequal power dynamic.
Gender Identity: A person’s individual sense of their gender is most often, but not always used in context where it is contrasted with the sex registered for them at birth. Examples may include but are not limited to agender – a person who does not have a gender, transgender – a person whose gender identity differs from the one assigned to their physical sex at birth, and cisgender – when you identify with the same gender you were assigned to at birth.
Sexual Orientation: A person’s identity in relation to the gender or genders to which they are sexually attracted and/or with whom they want to have a relationship. Examples may include, but are not limited to gay, lesbian, straight, bisexual, and asexual.
Sex is mysterious. Adolescents have an idea about what is happening, but they don’t know as much as they think.
Parents, if you don’t communicate with them, they will seek out the answers from whomever is willing to talk about it. Sometimes the info is wrong, sometimes correct, and sometimes forced on them through someone’s inappropriate action. Communication is key to a healthy sexual outlook for everyone.
So, communicate, but first, know what you think and feel about the following subjects. Know your biases and learn what you don’t understand.
How do you feel about the following areas: Consent, pornography, masturbation, gender identity, LGBTA, pregnancy, & when a human is ready or not to engage in sex?
And then –
*Make the conversation as comfortable as possible.
*Conversations about tough topics need to be ongoing. Know what is appropriate for the dinner table, and what needs a private setting.
*Give to get. Everyone needs to feel needed and trusted so when you can, tell appropriate stories that fit the topic.
*Don’t Preach. Don’t Judge.
*Listen. Really hear the questions your kids are brave enough to ask and explain or figure out answers together.
And remember – “How well we communicate is not determined by how well we say things but how well we are understood.”
– Andrew Grove