Manipulation

Manipulation happens often in the course of our lives. Sometimes we use words like gaslighting (Gaslighting is a type of manipulation that causes a person to doubt their own beliefs, sanity, or memory.), emotional blackmail (If you don’t do what I say then something bad will happen.), or peer pressure (A feeling that one must do the same things as other people of one’s age and social group in order to be liked or respected by them.) to define the type of manipulation we are experiencing.

Most people would probably say that manipulation is more bad than good. Can manipulation be neutral or positive? I suspect that involves breaking down the words manipulation and influence.

Manipulation as defined by the Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary is in 3 parts:

1. behavior that controls or influences somebody or something, often in a dishonest way so that they do not realize it
2. the control or use of something in a way that shows skill
3. the skill or act of moving a person’s bones or joints into the correct position

Influence as defined by the Oxford Advanced  Leaners Dictionary is also in 3 parts:

1. the effect that somebody or something has on the way a person thinks or behaves or on the way that something works or develops
2. the power that somebody or something has to make somebody or something behave in a particular way
3. a person or thing that affects the way a person behaves and thinks

It is my opinion that one need not worry about if manipulation or influence is bad or good, but we should concentrate on the question, “do I want by body, mind, or emotions to be controlled by another person or thing?”

 I have a terrible sense of direction and so I give over control to my friends or husband when driving. I choose this.  I have the opportunity to use AI or copilot as I write these words. Words are cherished by me and I choose not to give  control of my sentences, but it is difficult because my computer wants to interject constantly. I have to be vigilant. Is using AI or copilot wrong? Of course not. Are ads that try to talk us into buying items we don’t need evil? Of course not. Is using emotional black mail or gaslighting to control someone’s behavior bad? Yes. So how do we tell the difference and stay out of the controlling reach of bad manipulation and  neutral influence? I have some tips:

1. To stay out of someone’s control you must first know yourself well. Take time to know what you enjoy and don’t. Know what you want in a friend and don’t. Know what you want in a partner and don’t. Be vigilant.
2. Build your confidence and self-esteem. Identify where you feel weak and where you feel strong. Practice things that make you stronger by reading, exercising, attending group activities, making friends, and traveling. Manipulators prey on those who dislike themselves and feel like they are less than. If you have had a traumatic life, I advise you to work with a counselor or life coach.
3. Set boundaries and rules. Boundaries are flexible: I will only invite couples over for dinner with me and my partner is a boundary. You are flexible in that boundary when you allow one person to come to dinner when their partner is out of town. Rules are not flexible. I will not allow anyone to disrespect me. A friend talks negatively about you behind your back. This was a rule so you end the friendship.
4. With self esteem and boundaries in place, start practicing interdependent relationships; use good communication by listening and speaking.
5. Live within your means.

*Advertisers can’t talk you into “the best new products” if you know yourself and live within your means. You can spot and resist gaslighting, emotional blackmail, and peer pressure if you know yourself well, have strong confidence, and have your own money.

“There’s nothing so dangerous for manipulators as people who choose to think for themselves.” — Meg Greenfield