Here’s the thing; everyone experiences grief, but we don’t know how to deal with it, talk about it, or even decently describe it. Grief sucks. It is dirty and painful and inconvenient. Grief does not wait for your marriage to strengthen, or your children to grow up, and it certainly doesn’t wait for you to be ready. Grief gut punches, smacks down, and buries us in relentless waves of gotcha moments.

And yet, we find ways to get out of bed, eat another spoonful of whatever that was, and take first steps.

So, if grief is common, why do we feel so alone? We feel alone because relationships are complex and complicated. No one person has the same exact experience with another. Love cannot be put in a box and there isn’t a prize for who loved someone better, longer, or more. Grief is what happens when there is loss.

There are many types of loss. We experience loss when someone dies, moves away, is addicted, during a divorce, after

money or possessions are stolen, in an accident that changes what we thought was normal life, and during loss of a job. Each of these are life altering and important. A combination of two or more of these may be devastating. Loss brings grief and grief is unmannered and unruly.

In our attempt to process we often try to outdo someone else’s grief. “They were my best friend.” “I was their sister.” “I’ve known them longer.” Or we try to play down a situation that isn’t death. “They lost their job, but at least they have savings.” “The house was destroyed by the storm, but at least they didn’t die.” “At least they got out of the marriage before they had kids.” It seems a bit bizarre all up here in print, but we do it to each other all the time. Loss is grief and hijacking someone’s grief is dangerous. We also dismiss our own feelings. “I’m such a baby, I shouldn’t need so much time off.” “It’s only a purse, why do I feel so violated?” “I brought this on myself.”

Diminishing our own grief is also dangerous.

The purpose of working the grief is to balance feeling the emotions with adjusting to the new normal. It is an awful process. It is difficult work. It is the only way I know to go forward.

So how do we do this thing called working the grief? It starts here and goes wherever you need it to go.

Take Care of Yourself:

1. You may need to take a leave of absence or vacation time from work. Ask your human resources department for help. If you work for yourself, you may need help with family or keeping the business running while you take time away. Take the time away.  You are not lazy or slacking or weak. You are grieving.
2. Do things that help you rest like meditation, massage, baths, exercise, setting a bedtime, reading before bed, or listening to calming music. Rest is best when stressed. Find a healthy way to sleep.

Take Steps:

1. Create some balance by eating regularly, drinking water, and doing something that makes you feel good like exercise, pet time, or volunteering. We need to move to improve.
2. Begin the acceptance path by talking with a counselor, journaling, doing art, or creating a memory book/story. Acknowledging the grief and your unique relationship or situation gives you back some of your personal empowerment.

Make Plans:

1. It is ok to go back to work or even change jobs. You decide this. No one else knows what you need and when. Know thyself. Work pays the bills; it does not fill the heart holes.
2. It is ok to begin a new relationship or not. You decide this. No one else knows what you need and when. Be honest with yourself. We do not dishonor those who died by being happy with another.

Beware of Red Flags

• Suicidal thoughts
• Feeling so angry you want to hurt someone.
• Yelling at your kids
• Taking drugs to numb your feelings.
• Drinking to numb your feelings.
• Taking risks you wouldn’t have taken before.
• Not showing up or going off without telling someone

It is my hope that this message helps you to work the grief in your own life. You are worthy of your feelings, your grief, and your healing.

We live in a rainbow of chaos. Paul Cezanne